Emotion Coaching has been called the “most important parenting practice in the universe.” This is because Emotion Coaching raises your child’s Emotional Quotient (EQ) that attributes to academic and professional success, meaningful relationships, and future health and happiness. A strong EQ means that one is able to understand their own emotions, emotions of others, and then use that information in a productive manner. Emotion Coaching is what parents can do to help children understand their emotions and deal with the situation to solve the problem at hand. It is a way to talk through big emotions with your child to help them navigate their big feelings.
I’ve adopted an easy way to remember how to emotion coach, base on the principles from a couple of my favorite researchers/professors/authors John Gottman and Daniel Siegel. Empathy, comfort and teaching is our goal, and this method should help. CCLAP reminds me of Mr. Miyagi from the Karate kid when he claps his hands together to get ready to use his healing power. The physical act of a clap has always helped me snap back into remembering what I need to do next. When the situation gets heated, and heart rates begins to increase we want to be sure to focus on doing the right thing.. Hopefully this can help you heal the situation.
A chart that you can use with your child to help identify their feelings.
Consider This
Do you notice a difference in you, your child and your relationships when you use the Emotion Coaching principals?
I’ve adopted an easy way to remember how to emotion coach, base on the principles from a couple of my favorite researchers/professors/authors John Gottman and Daniel Siegel. Empathy, comfort and teaching is our goal, and this method should help. CCLAP reminds me of Mr. Miyagi from the Karate kid when he claps his hands together to get ready to use his healing power. The physical act of a clap has always helped me snap back into remembering what I need to do next. When the situation gets heated, and heart rates begins to increase we want to be sure to focus on doing the right thing.. Hopefully this can help you heal the situation.
CC- Calm and Connect
L- Label the Emotion
A- Address the Behavior
P- Problem Solve
Calm and Connect
“How you respond to your child’s behavior will greatly impact how the whole scene unfolds.”(Bryson and Siegel, 168.) It’s best to begin calmly. If you are not already calm, remember that an emotion takes 90 seconds to rise and fall so try a breathing technique that works for you. An easy one to remember is to take eight counts in through nose, and eight counts out through mouth while focusing on your breath, or a relaxing scene while trying to relax your muscles and wait until you’re ready. Connect by making eye to eye, or below eye level contact to communicate comfort(Bryson and Siegel, 121.), and if your child will let you, touch your child with a hug or a hand on their back. This is a time where you need to be completely present for them. Their big emotions are showing that they do not understand how to deal with the situation, so this is a call for their need to connect and be taught what to do.
Label the Emotion
Labeling emotions can have a soothing effect on the nervous system, helping children to recover more quickly from upsetting incidents.(Gottman, 100.) For a child an emotion can take over their whole body and it may feel like like it’s going to an unknown place, but if there is a word or story connected with that feeling, it makes it feel more manageable and less unknown.
Address the Behavior
All children should be allowed to feel and express their emotions, but we want to teach our children how to control their behavior. This is the step where you can talk about what happened. It is best to try not to put judgements in your statements, but “newscast” instead. Remember calm and connect.
Problem Solve
Since your child is having this emotional moment, there is a good chance that your child does not know how to handle this situation. Use this time to teach them. It’s best if you ask questions, such as “How could this be done differently?” or “What can you do next time?” If they are too young to answer these questions, offer them choices on how they can remedy the situation or what they can consider for next time.
Try using this CCLAP method when you remember. The hardest part is to remember to use the tools you have when you need them. All it takes is a clap.
Sourced from John Gottman's book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child and Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson's book No Drama Discipline.
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Here are the links from last semester to give you more background:
In John Gottman's introduction to his book: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, he explains why this is important.
Here are the fundamentals:
Emotion Coaching's Five Key Steps.
A chart that you can use with your child to help identify their feelings.
Consider This
Do you notice a difference in you, your child and your relationships when you use the Emotion Coaching principals?
Parenting From The Inside Out Book Discussion
This week we will discuss Chapter 3, at 9:30 in the morning classes (on Monday, 4/9 and Thursday, 4/12), and 12:40 in the afternoon class (Thursday, 4/12).
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