This has been a tough week. It's stress and anxiety producing enough just to be parenting in this day and age, and for most, keeping up healthy co-parenting relationships. Then we have the pandemic, and its by-products: concern or worry for the health of your family and loved ones, financial/housing/work...insecurities. In the education realm, all who are involved, teachers, staff, students and families, we are grieving the normal beginning of a school year, missing the face to face connections, loss of our classrooms to the virtual world with all the challenges, and parents simultaneously home schooling and attempting to work. Let's add the political climate with the upcoming election, disagreements that arise in every direction, inequalities and the unjust systems. We can't forget the racial awareness that is now at the forefront of the nation's conscience that has resulted in daily protests in this country and the need for change. On top of everything else-- Fires. Fires that we, in the Bay Area, can't ignore. Our communities are surrounded by smoke, if not in flames. And there's all the other life to-do's that will never go away, meals on the table, laundry, cleaning... All this has caused me to remember what's important. That's why we're going back to The Basics.
The Very Basics
An interesting study where researchers compared the effectiveness of the most important parenting practices in terms of their influence on school success, kids' health and happiness, as well as the quality of the parent's relationship with their children showed that of the top three competencies, two of them do not involve parenting, per se. The three are listed in order of importance.
1. Love and affection. Parents support and accept the child, are physically affectionate, and spend quality one-on-one time together.
2. Stress management. Parents take steps to reduce stress for yourself and your child, practice relaxation techniques and promote positive interpretations of events.
3. Relationship skills. You maintain a healthy relationship with your spouse, significant other or co-parent and model effective relationship skills with other people.
The beauty of the highest impact parenting practices is that they are all free, and are possible for parents from all walks of life. This week we will focus on one of these.
Put It Into Practice
This week I heard from several parents that they want to have more patience and calm with their children and partners. That is why we will focus on Stress Management. With everything that's going on, we need to make sure our stress and anxiety are managed so we can actually show Love and Affection and keep up our Relationship Skills. So this week we are going to practice The Very Basics of living-- Breathing.
The American Institute of Stress writes:
Deep breathing increases the supply of oxygen to your brain and stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes a state of calmness. Breathing techniques help you feel connected to your body—it brings your awareness away from the worries in your head and quiets your mind.
I once heard "If you want to change your life, change the way you breathe." The science behind the positive impact continues to grow. This is something that can help you throughout the day, and not just when you are stressed and overwhelmed.
If you don’t have a practice of this yet, try this method of deep breathing, Equal Breathing. Practice this anytime, morning/noon/night, so your body gets used to it. It's much easier to access it when you get in a stressful situation if you've practiced it.
Directions
Shut your eyes and pay attention to the way you normally breathe for several breaths.
Then, slowly count 1-2-3-4 as you inhale through your nose.
Exhale for the same four-second count.
As you inhale and exhale, be mindful of the feelings of fullness and emptiness in your lungs.
As you continue practicing equal breathing, your second count might vary. Be sure to keep your inhale and exhale the same.
If you are trying this for the first time or have practiced this for a while, share in our discussion your experience.
If you have extra time (36 minutes), listen to this interesting interview with the author of Breath: The New Science Of A Lost Art on NPR's Fresh Air.
Understanding Child Development to Parent Better
It's good to understand that our children usually act their age, and it's been eight months since I've posted about this, so it's time to look again. Things change quickly. When we understand their developmental stage, it's easier for us not to blame our children or ourselves for their behavior and grow more empathy for your child and your parenting.
As you read the article that fits your child's age, consider these questions.
Did anything surprise you about your child's development at this stage?
Are there any suggestions on the list you want to try?
What questions do you have about this stage?
Zero to Three Age Based Handouts (0-36 months) Click the link and scroll down to find your child's age range.
If you have a child/ren kindergarten or younger, join me in my free online parenting class through City College SF.
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